shadow.light

Joy is Depth

That is
 ... to me
 At least

Depth
   allows me
         to stand tall
  above ground
 
Depth is
  a million instants
                  of undivided presence
  a million mindful words
                      exchanged
         
Depth is
   keeping exploring
            and growing
    all the ramifications
            underneath

  around

         what is

        
Depth is
    growing
    from under

  
If you ask me
    what depth looks like on the surface
  I couldn't answer
You don't
          do 
  depth
  from the surface
you don't add a layer
   of depth
   from the surface
no more than you
  use wood-like paint
  to grow a tree
You do things
  from deep down
 and
   whatever surfaces
 that's what it is
 
Depth is
    holding me
  from the bottom up
   

Depth is
   what I thrive on
 what brings me
              joy

I need it
   to breathe

At least
   ... to me
You may not need it
  I do
  
The rest
       is
     tumbleweed
  to me
 
 
----
 
I need it
      to share
 
Some connections are deeper than others
  Some run very deep indeed
       and keep getting deeper
                  all the time

Some connections
    go deeper
    ... in divergent directions
   
And some
  ... well ...
  will barely go beyond the surface
    of what we are

Si j'étais un arbre
   et que je grandissais
                      là où je suis planté
la forme que je prendrais
            ne se serait pas définie 
                                 seulement
                                 de l'intérieur 
   mais 
je suivrais aussi
    la forme
          de tous les murs
          de toutes les barrières
    autour de moi
et mes racines
    prendraient aussi la forme 
       des pierres autour de moi 
    et 
        des racines des autres arbres autour de moi
        qui pousseraient contre les miennes
            en dessous

Tous ces obstacles
    et ces limites
       m'empêcheraient
          de grandir dans leur direction
       me conduiraient
           à croître
                 dans les autres
                               directions

Et les gens qui passeraient
     diraient
           Oh regarde cet arbre ... tellement tordu et étrange ...    

Est-ce que cette forme
       que j'aurais
               me définirait ?  
Est-ce que cette forme serait moi ? 

Et si j'avais été planté
          ailleurs ? 
Quelque part avec des murs différents
   quelque part avec des barrières de l'autre côté
   quelque part avec d'autres arbres autour ? 
j'aurais eu une autre forme
   n'est-ce pas ? 
Est-ce que cette autre forme
    me définirait aussi ?
Est-ce qu'elle serait moi aussi ? 

Et si j'avais été planté
   dans un endroit
   sans murs
et sans barrières
          sous quelle forme aurais-je grandi ?
   Est-ce que j'aurais grandi dans toutes les directions ?
      Ou seulement celles que j'aurais choisies ?
      Ou seulement celles vers lesquelles j'étais fait pour grandir ? 

Quelle forme changeante cela aurait été ?
Cela aurait été moi ?
    Cela aurait été plus moi ?
  Aurais-je été plus encore l'arbre que j'étais fait pour être ? 

Si j'étais un arbre
    je ne pourrais pas le découvrir
  et
     je pourrais seulement
                                        rêver
                            de tout cela
                                        rêver
                            d'être
                                  planté ailleurs
               et de me voir grandir
               vers ce que je suis 

Mais je ne suis pas un arbre
   n'est-ce pas ? 
Et je pourrais bouger mes pieds
   et marcher
Je pourrais extraire
        mes racines 
      de ce sol
           dans lequel elles ont difficilement si peu grandi
    et les emporter
        vers un autre endroit
   qui me permettrait de grandir 
        sans me heurter à tous ces murs et ces barrières 
N'est-ce pas ? 

Quelle forme
        prendrais-je
                     alors ? 
Vers quelle forme 
         grandirais-je 
             alors ? 

Est-ce que je choisirais la direction vers laquelle croître ?
Est-ce que je suivrais naturellement la forme
      qui est en moi ? 

Et si
   aussi
   j'étais entouré par d'autres
   qui pourraient entrelacer leurs racines avec les miennes
         et les aider à grandir plus profondément
    plutôt
       que de les repousser ? 

Pourrais-je grandir
               encore plus
                           alors ? 
Est-ce que cela
     serait encore plus moi ? 

Je ...
   Ahhh .... 
Je ...

Je ne suis pas un arbre 

Je suis un humain
Un humain
    qui rêve qu'il est un arbre
    qui rêve qu'il est humain 

I was reading yesterday a short comment a man wrote on a forum, about how relieved he felt when he learned about INTPs, being one himself.

Relieved because it helped him realize that he was not alone, that there were others like him - albeit not that many - ... and also and most importantly because INTP was a "normal" possibility among humans, and learning about it helped him realize that he was very much human after all.

I related to this.

 I remember discovering about MBTI a dozen years ago, and how it relieved me in the exact same manner. 

After all if you consider that everyone is built in the same unique way, then you have mainly two options when you realize that you don't behave like others :

- either you believe the others suck being humans

- either you believe that you suck at being human

Actually, the only way to maintain coherence (if you are so inclined as to maintain coherence) is to believe that everyody pretty much sucks at it, you being worse than others (because therer are so many others and only one of you)

 ... and boy, is INTP about maintaining coherence !

Now, discovering that there were many ways for a human mind to be built, I could understand why there were so many differences between my behavior and the one of the others around me. And most importantly, instead of believing that I was inept at being human, and that I needed to change something in me to become one - while not getting at all what I would have to change -, I realized that I was already one. A specific one, among the myriad of possibilities. I could finally embrace being what I was. Suddenly, I didn't need to consider being "introverted" as a failure to be "extroverted" anymore. I didn't need to consider using mainly "thinking" as a failure to use mainly "feeling" anymore. And so on.

Suddenly I didn't feel the need to reject or justify who I was anymore.

I could see my strengths and weaknesses in a very different light. A much clearer one. 

I could see why acting as an extrovert would drain my energy. I could see why planning would drain my energy. I could see why expressing my feelings was such an energy drain. I could see why attending to details for long would bore me to death. I could do all of it ... but it would quickly exhaust me, and I felt like retreating away from everyone.

Reading all this made me realize it was not "wrong" to be like this ... it was just what I naturally was. And others were different. And that was fine too. And I didn't have to pretend I was someone I was not. And I didn't have to regret I was not someone I was not. 

I didn't have to change. I could not. I didn't have to change anyone. I could not. But I could evolve. Grow.

Life got so much lighter.

But knowing this doesn't make everything easy either ... 

Because I tend to forget sometimes ... and I find myself again trying to behave as someone else, as someone I am not, because sometimes this is what comes naturally again ... 

So, once in a while, I remind myself to re-read all this, to fint out more about it. To reassure me that I am still part of the human race, the way I am.

 I recently came across a rather deep description of the inner workings of a typical INTP (Here : http://www.intp.org/intprofile.html . Et ici pour une version française, mais avec quelques erreurs de traduction : http://www.16-types.fr/types/INTP/intp-fonctions.html )

 It resonated so well that it was a pleasure to read. 

It helped clear out some of confusion I had for the past few years : although I could recognize in myself every bit of the INTP various descriptions, I could also identify with most of the "outer" descriptions of INFPs ... and indeed the various tests that I did ranked me either INTP or INFP. And for a long time I could not separate both.

However, after much research and reading (retrospectively I think that the very fact of researching and reading so much about this issue could have tipped me off :o), and especially after reading this "inner" description of INTP, the difference is now very clear to me ... and where I may exhibit some behavior that is typical of an INFP, I actually do it for different reasons. Deeply different. I do it mainly out of a need for coherence. When I am against social injustice, foir instance, I am against it because I see it as an incoherence, not because it would be "unfair". And if I din't see an incoherence, I would differ from INFPs.

      That confusion has also been maintained so long because of this tendency (and relative ease) of INTPs to automatically behave like the people around them. At least for a while. And let's face it ... it's not always fun to be seen as an arrogant cold bastard. It made life easier to behave as an INFP sometimes, with those around me. But as automatic as it is, it is still tiring to keep going chameleonizing like this. However, with enough time alone to rest and not have to do it all the time, I could keep going without even realizing it. 

Well ... but circumstances change sometimes ... and when the resting time (counted in days) is not an option anymore, all this collapses quickly, and the INTP is the one standing after all.

Now I know for sure

There was also a second part in this man's comment, that I read yesterday, where he described the sadness he felt. 

The sadness of realizing that he would remain mostly misunderstood for the rest of his life by the people around him. That he would keep looking like a man of little feelings for the rest of his life to those around him. That the very nature of what he thinks and feels inside will remain invisible to others for the rest of his life. 

More and more, I realize that too.

  It is not just a case of "if only you talked, then they would understand" ... even when you talk, what you are trying to say remains somehow invisible pretty much all the time, and what you hear as an answer is mostly your ineptitude at sharing. Time and again.

Even facing people who have an understanding that not everyone is built the same, that not everyone construes the world the same way, what an INTP has in mind seems to remain mostly invisible. So something else is understood, and this quickly creates conflict. Time and again. And in times of conflict or stress, the natural behavior comes back to everyone very quickly, and the people you face are there telling you what they think and what they feel and how cold you are. 
And you say that no, this is not what you meant ... and it goes for another round, and another one, and eventually you hear "Oh poor little you, always complaining about feeling misunderstood. How cute..."
 And what you said remains invisible. And you with it.

So what ? Can I live with this happening again and again ? 

 I'm not sure yet.

It may even be that this deep description of INTPs I was mentioning above may only make sense to INTPs ... that to any other type, it may seem like a convoluted and overly complex contraption. Or even any description, actually. It may even be that only INTPs and a few other types are themselves interested in discovering so much about types ... and that to the others, it is just a waste of time without any value ... 

So what ?

So I think I'll just keep talking to the wind

   I just hope keeping doing this will help make visible what is inside me somehow, not just the words that everyone understand as they see fit

   I just hope to be able to share some of it, sometimes, beyond the surface of what I can shortly imitate

 I just hope I'll remain human long enough

 I need to believe this

Whathever we hear
  whatever someone tells us
 we can
    always
make fun of it

We can
      always
  take the words we heard
   the words they said
and
  add to them
 or
   remove from them
or
  transform them
in order to say something
    funny

We could be talented and clever about it
  or downright stupid
It doesn't matter
  we can always do it


And
   it doesn't stop at
                making fun
      of what we hear
and
 it is also always possible
    to take whatever we hear
 and bring it into
                    any
                    context
           we choose
 and comment it
 and reinterpret it
       within this context
          
We can shift
      anything we hear
 into
   anything we want
   
Anything we hear
   could be reinterpreted
      from the context
         of
         a political view
      Pick one
        it doesn't matter which

Anything we hear
   could be reinterpreted
      from the context
         of
         the war of the sexes
      
Anything we hear
   could be reinterpreted as
      from the context
         of domination and slavery
        
Anything we hear
     from a priest
   could be reinterpreted as
      from the context
         of the religious coercion
      
Anything we hear
     from a woman
   could be reinterpreted as
      from the context
         of her being a futile shopper
       or
         a hopeless sentimentalist
        
Anything we hear
     from a man
   could be reinterpreted as
      from the context
         of him being a little toy-obsessed boy in a grown up body
       or
         wanting power
        
Anything we hear
     from a child
   could be reinterpreted as
      from the context
         of ignorance
        
Anything we hear
     from a foreigner
   could be reinterpreted as
      from the context
         of their supposed culture
     
...
   or ...      
 or
   whathever
  really
     you pick
   it's easy
      try it
      you'll see
You could even swap the contexts in these examples
   and it could still work

  
It can be fun, right ?
  Hell yeah, it can even be a lot of fun !


But I'm not quite sure
  I want to live in a world of
    men-are-stupid-power-driven-boys-women-are-futile-sentimentalist-shoppers-priests-are-from-the-middle-age-children-are-ignorant world
  no more than in a
    men-are-ignorant-sentimentalists-women-are-from-the-middle-age-children-are-stupid-power-driven-shoppers-priests-are-futile-boys one
or in any other shoe-horned world


...
  each time we do this
  each single time
      we actually turn away from what was said
  we decide to throw it away
and to replace it
  by what we have in mind
  instead
to replace it
  by something we prefer

And even
  when we cover it up with a laugh
   with a wink
   and with a "I was just joking !"
 what was offered
    has been pushed aside
      transformed
      ignored
      or smashed to pieces


How hard is it
   to listen
   and to look
      at what
            is
 instead

The problem is not  low self-esteem

 The problem is self-esteem 

Overcoming Self-Esteem by David Mills, in PDF

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