INTP again

I was reading yesterday a short comment a man wrote on a forum, about how relieved he felt when he learned about INTPs, being one himself.

Relieved because it helped him realize that he was not alone, that there were others like him - albeit not that many - ... and also and most importantly because INTP was a "normal" possibility among humans, and learning about it helped him realize that he was very much human after all.

I related to this.

 I remember discovering about MBTI a dozen years ago, and how it relieved me in the exact same manner. 

After all if you consider that everyone is built in the same unique way, then you have mainly two options when you realize that you don't behave like others :

- either you believe the others suck being humans

- either you believe that you suck at being human

Actually, the only way to maintain coherence (if you are so inclined as to maintain coherence) is to believe that everyody pretty much sucks at it, you being worse than others (because therer are so many others and only one of you)

 ... and boy, is INTP about maintaining coherence !

Now, discovering that there were many ways for a human mind to be built, I could understand why there were so many differences between my behavior and the one of the others around me. And most importantly, instead of believing that I was inept at being human, and that I needed to change something in me to become one - while not getting at all what I would have to change -, I realized that I was already one. A specific one, among the myriad of possibilities. I could finally embrace being what I was. Suddenly, I didn't need to consider being "introverted" as a failure to be "extroverted" anymore. I didn't need to consider using mainly "thinking" as a failure to use mainly "feeling" anymore. And so on.

Suddenly I didn't feel the need to reject or justify who I was anymore.

I could see my strengths and weaknesses in a very different light. A much clearer one. 

I could see why acting as an extrovert would drain my energy. I could see why planning would drain my energy. I could see why expressing my feelings was such an energy drain. I could see why attending to details for long would bore me to death. I could do all of it ... but it would quickly exhaust me, and I felt like retreating away from everyone.

Reading all this made me realize it was not "wrong" to be like this ... it was just what I naturally was. And others were different. And that was fine too. And I didn't have to pretend I was someone I was not. And I didn't have to regret I was not someone I was not. 

I didn't have to change. I could not. I didn't have to change anyone. I could not. But I could evolve. Grow.

Life got so much lighter.

But knowing this doesn't make everything easy either ... 

Because I tend to forget sometimes ... and I find myself again trying to behave as someone else, as someone I am not, because sometimes this is what comes naturally again ... 

So, once in a while, I remind myself to re-read all this, to fint out more about it. To reassure me that I am still part of the human race, the way I am.

 I recently came across a rather deep description of the inner workings of a typical INTP (Here : http://www.intp.org/intprofile.html . Et ici pour une version française, mais avec quelques erreurs de traduction : http://www.16-types.fr/types/INTP/intp-fonctions.html )

 It resonated so well that it was a pleasure to read. 

It helped clear out some of confusion I had for the past few years : although I could recognize in myself every bit of the INTP various descriptions, I could also identify with most of the "outer" descriptions of INFPs ... and indeed the various tests that I did ranked me either INTP or INFP. And for a long time I could not separate both.

However, after much research and reading (retrospectively I think that the very fact of researching and reading so much about this issue could have tipped me off :o), and especially after reading this "inner" description of INTP, the difference is now very clear to me ... and where I may exhibit some behavior that is typical of an INFP, I actually do it for different reasons. Deeply different. I do it mainly out of a need for coherence. When I am against social injustice, foir instance, I am against it because I see it as an incoherence, not because it would be "unfair". And if I din't see an incoherence, I would differ from INFPs.

      That confusion has also been maintained so long because of this tendency (and relative ease) of INTPs to automatically behave like the people around them. At least for a while. And let's face it ... it's not always fun to be seen as an arrogant cold bastard. It made life easier to behave as an INFP sometimes, with those around me. But as automatic as it is, it is still tiring to keep going chameleonizing like this. However, with enough time alone to rest and not have to do it all the time, I could keep going without even realizing it. 

Well ... but circumstances change sometimes ... and when the resting time (counted in days) is not an option anymore, all this collapses quickly, and the INTP is the one standing after all.

Now I know for sure

There was also a second part in this man's comment, that I read yesterday, where he described the sadness he felt. 

The sadness of realizing that he would remain mostly misunderstood for the rest of his life by the people around him. That he would keep looking like a man of little feelings for the rest of his life to those around him. That the very nature of what he thinks and feels inside will remain invisible to others for the rest of his life. 

More and more, I realize that too.

  It is not just a case of "if only you talked, then they would understand" ... even when you talk, what you are trying to say remains somehow invisible pretty much all the time, and what you hear as an answer is mostly your ineptitude at sharing. Time and again.

Even facing people who have an understanding that not everyone is built the same, that not everyone construes the world the same way, what an INTP has in mind seems to remain mostly invisible. So something else is understood, and this quickly creates conflict. Time and again. And in times of conflict or stress, the natural behavior comes back to everyone very quickly, and the people you face are there telling you what they think and what they feel and how cold you are. 
And you say that no, this is not what you meant ... and it goes for another round, and another one, and eventually you hear "Oh poor little you, always complaining about feeling misunderstood. How cute..."
 And what you said remains invisible. And you with it.

So what ? Can I live with this happening again and again ? 

 I'm not sure yet.

It may even be that this deep description of INTPs I was mentioning above may only make sense to INTPs ... that to any other type, it may seem like a convoluted and overly complex contraption. Or even any description, actually. It may even be that only INTPs and a few other types are themselves interested in discovering so much about types ... and that to the others, it is just a waste of time without any value ... 

So what ?

So I think I'll just keep talking to the wind

   I just hope keeping doing this will help make visible what is inside me somehow, not just the words that everyone understand as they see fit

   I just hope to be able to share some of it, sometimes, beyond the surface of what I can shortly imitate

 I just hope I'll remain human long enough

 I need to believe this